Peace at Home Blog

Stop Keeping Score: How to Move From Resentment to a “We Team”

January 2026 | Underdog Web

We often hear that parenting is the most beautiful, exhausting job in the world. But let’s be honest about the “exhausting” part for a moment. When you’re in the thick of raising kids, it’s normal for your partnership to feel the strain. You might find yourself drifting into a “survival mode” where you and your partner feel less like lovers and more like tired co-managers of a small, chaotic non-profit organization.

One of the biggest culprits? The invisible load.

The Myth of 50/50 Fairness

It’s easy to fall into the trap of scorekeeping. You know the drill: “I did the dishes, so you do the bedtime routine.” But aiming for a perfect 50/50 split every single day is actually a trap. Scorekeeping kills connection because it turns your relationship into a transaction. It shifts your mindset to “Me vs. You,” when the goal is to get back to “Us vs. The Issue”.

Making the Invisible Visible

Part of the resentment grows in the silence of the “Mental Load”—those invisible tasks like anticipating emotional needs, planning meals, or worrying about developmental milestones. We can’t share what we can’t see.

To move from surviving to thriving, try shifting from just “helping” to Total Task Ownership.

• Helping is taking out the trash when asked.
• Owning is noticing the trash is full, bagging it, taking it out, and replacing the liner without a word.

A Simple Strategy: The Weekly Logistics Meeting

It sounds unromantic, but nothing kills romance faster than arguing about the schedule at 6:00 PM on a Tuesday. Instead, try a weekly “Logistics Meeting”.

• Timing is Key: Don’t discuss logistics in the heat of the moment.
• Set a Routine: Pick a calm time (like Sunday night) to talk through the schedule.
• Clarify Roles: Decide who holds the “Sick Kid” card for the week.

By separating the daily grind from the big picture, you protect your relationship from constant friction. Remember, your goal is to re-establish your identity as a couple, not just co-parents.

Fighting Fair: Being a “Calm Center” for Your Partner

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, especially when you add sleep deprivation and tiny humans to the mix. But here is the thing: conflict isn’t the problem; unresolved conflict is.

Your children have an incredibly sensitive emotional radar. Your relationship is their “relational home base,” and when the weather is stormy between you and your partner, they feel it.

Soft Start-Ups

How you start a conversation often predicts how it ends. If you approach your partner with blame (“You always forget to…”), walls go up immediately. Instead, try a “Soft Start-Up” using this simple formula: “I feel… about [situation]… and I need…”.

• Instead of: “You never help with bedtime!”
• Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I do bedtime alone, and I need us to tackle it together tonight.”

Mending the Moment

We talk a lot about repairing with our kids, but we need to do it with our partners, too. Repair is optional but essential. It’s about recognizing when you’ve hurt each other and having the courage to say, “I’m sorry, I was stressed. Let me try again”.

Be Their Calm Center

Just like our kids, our partners have tantrums too—usually, they are just stress responses. When your partner is spinning out, try not to join their chaos. Instead, lend them your calm. A little validation goes a long way: “I can see you’re really struggling right now”.

This doesn’t mean you accept disrespect, but it means you prioritize connection over being “right.” By turning toward each other rather than turning away or against, you build a buffer against stress.

Finding Your Spark: Why Play Isn’t Just for Kids

When was the last time you and your partner were just… silly?

In the rush of parenting, we often lose our dignity to find our partner. We get so serious! But play is a biological drive for connection. It releases tension and builds bonds in a way that serious “admin talks” never will.

Protect Your “Spark” Time

You have a right to be interesting. Maintaining your own passions and creative outlets makes you a happier individual, which in turn makes you a better partner. But you also need shared joy.

Try to move your Date Nights beyond the “Admin Date” where you just talk about the kids and bills. Go do something new together to spike that dopamine. Playfulness is the goal, not just sitting in the same room.

The 6-Second Kiss

If you don’t have time for a date night this week, start small. Dr. John Gottman suggests the six-second kiss. It acts as a threshold ritual. It says, “I am stopping everything to be with you right now”. It’s a physical reset button for your bond. Make it a non-negotiable ritual when you leave and when you come home.

Radical Generosity

Finally, try practicing “Radical Generosity”. This means going beyond the bare minimum and doing things just to make your partner’s life easier. Build a bank account of goodwill so that when the hard moments come, you have plenty of connection saved up.

Remember, connection is a practice, not a destination. You’ve got this.

Join Peace at Home Founder, Ruth E. Freeman, LCSW and her guest, Lucinda Gibbons, MMFT, for a special February Lunch and Learn on Thursday February 5, 2026 at 12pm. Log in to your account and click here to register. You’ll learn how sharing responsibilities with your partner doesn’t just lighten your load — it actually improves your well-being, increases relationship satisfaction, and creates a healthier environment for your children. We’ll on the evidence that parents who perceive responsibilities as fairly shared experience greater intimacy, stronger partnerships and more effective parenting. We’ll explore practical strategies for balancing duties, letting go of the “perfect parent” myth, and establishing a more equitable partnership. We’ll reference the principles of Fair Play throughout to show how intentional allocation and communication around tasks can transform your connection with your partner.

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