“It is vital that when educating our children’s brains that we do not forget to educate their hearts.”
– Dalai Lama
Research suggests that people with strong emotional intelligence are more likely to succeed than those with high IQs or even relevant experience in the world of work. Emotional intelligence is also the key to positive and satisfying relationships. And kids with higher emotional intelligence tend to cooperate more. So how can we help our children get stronger in the area of emotions? One simple definition of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to:
All that might sound simple but many children and sometimes parents struggle to recognize and acknowledge what they are feeling, manage how and when they will show those feelings, recognize the emotions of others and decide how to respond to others’ emotions.
Unfortunately many parents focus more on cognitive intelligence (IQ) than emotional intelligence (EQ). In fact while IQ has increased 20 points since it was first measured, EQ seems to have gone down. We are seeing an epidemic of depression and anxiety with more behavior problems and aggression in families and schools. And while IQ tends to be more rooted in genetics, EQ is more teachable.
So how can you teach EQ to your child? Here are some initial steps you can start taking today:
“Looks like you are worried about your quiz tomorrow.”
“You sound pretty excited right now.”
“Seems like you are feeling angry with your friend right now.”
If you don’t know a lot of feelings words, you will have to gain some vocabulary. And don’t worry about getting the feeling word right – your kids will correct you if you are wrong. Accept whatever they tell you they are feeling.
Reflective listening is a gift. It gives the child the message that feelings are normal, I am here with you and want to hear more. Kids tend not to love a lot of questions and this is a respectful, gentle invitation to communicate. Your child may accept it or not. If you offer reflective listening on a regular basis, your child is likely to open up to you a bit more and become more aware of their own emotions. This is a positive step toward increased EQ and will bring you and your child closer at the same time.
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