Peace at Home Blog

Letting Go of Parenting Perfectionism

September 2025 | Cora D'Alessandro

The other day, I was doing a private consultation with a father of an almost-three-year-old. They just welcomed a new baby to their family and the child has been struggling with aggression at school. “Parenting is the hardest job on the planet,” he said. “I’m trying to be everything for everyone — help my child with his behavior, support my postpartum wife, and deal with the sleep deprivation of a new baby. It just feels like I’m failing at everything and have nothing left to give.”

This dad was stuck in the trap of parenting perfectionism — trying to get it all right, all the time.

The Pressure to Be Everything for Everyone

I know that parents across the globe can relate to how this dad is feeling. The pressure to be “everything for everyone” is real. As a mom of two toddler boys, I log onto Instagram and am immediately bombarded with reel after reel of someone doing it “better” than me, or a perfectly curated post with all the ways I emotionally damaged my kid the day before. I’m an expert in this field and I still ask myself daily, “am I doing it right?”

Gentle Parenting and the Fear of Getting It Wrong

The gentle parenting movement has taken off and now Millennial and Gen Z parents are terrified of traumatizing our kids. We grew up being spanked and sent to our rooms when we showed any unpleasant emotion. So we’ve compensated by getting down on our children’s level and empathizing: “I know you really want the blue cup, sweetie. It’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to hit Mommy!” All while we are dodging thrashing limbs and our ears are ringing from the screams for the 12th time today. And as we say these oh-so-calm-and-polite words, we are resisting every urge in our body to call our child a jerk and throw them out the window.

“Do I Have to Stay Regulated All the Time?”

A few months ago, I was starting to crack under the pressure. I asked our founder, Ruth Freeman, “Is it necessary to stay emotionally regulated ALL the time? Sometimes I just lose it!” Her response: “Oh, Cora. If you were emotionally regulated all the time, your poor children wouldn’t have a human for a mother. You’re not a robot, or Buddha.”

Being a Human Is the Best Parenting Tool

I immediately felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I was reminded that I was a human mother. Human mothers cry, yell, hug, laugh, play, and rest. What disservice would I be doing for my children if I didn’t model ALL of that for them?

Model Real Emotions, Not Perfection

So even though I too advocate for all the “positive parenting” practices you learn about on Instagram and TikTok (and in our Peace at Home Workshops) I also advocate for this dad who was feeling like he couldn’t tolerate his angry toddler for one more second. His child deserves to have a healthy role model for anger, not a person who keeps everything bottled up inside because he’s terrified of “damaging” his kid. Does that mean he should freak out and scare his kid at every negative emotion or behavior? Definitely not! But does it mean that it’s OK to lose it occasionally so that his child understands Dad is a human and he reaches his limit sometimes, too? Absolutely.

Perfectionism Is Out. Authenticity Is In.

There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. Research tells us that if you can “be with” your child in their emotions 30% of the time, that is “good enough.” So, let’s all take a step back from being over analyzers and perfectionists and just start being human. Make sure your toolbox is stocked with brain calming practices and positive discipline strategies, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t access them all the time. Parenting IS the hardest job on the planet.

Let’s leave parenting perfectionism behind — your kids don’t need perfect, they just need you.

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