Month: May 2020

No one can say how long we will be living in isolation. We don’t know if kids will be home from school for a month or if they will end up being home through the summer. What we do know is that children thrive on consistency. Consistent routines lead to more cooperation from kids. More cooperation from kids leads to more productivity for everyone. 

To make this time easier for the whole family, create a new schedule and do your best to stick to it. Consider the following as you create a new family routine:

• Communicate Your Plan
  Talk to your partner or other caregivers about how you want to create a new family routine while your kids are home from school. Discuss your individual needs and the needs of your children. Then hold a family meeting and communicate your plans with the kids. Let them know that you’re all in this together – you’re all adjusting to a new way of living for a while. Share what you would like your days to look like and ask if they have any thoughts or feelings they would like to share. Listen to their ideas and concerns.
  

• Start Your Workday Early
  Get up at 3:00, 4:00, or 5:00 am, pour a cup of coffee, and start your workday before the kids wake up. Try to get your most important work done first. You’ll be happy to have finished pressing tasks by the time your kids start their day.
  

• Wake Kids at the Same Time Every Day
  Let kids sleep in until a set time (8:00 or 9:00 am). Consistency is essential for young children and maintaining a sleep schedule is important for everyone. Dr. Lynelle Schneeberg, author of Become Your Child’s Sleep Coach: The Bedtime Doctor’s 5-Step Guide, is offering a free, online class about best sleep practices for school-age children. To sign up for her class, click here and look for Be Your Child’s Sleep Coach: Help Your Child Become a Great Sleeper.
  

• Set the Tone for the Day
  With young children, set a playful tone for the day by doing some pretend. Ask your child:  “Who do you want to be today? Bobby Bear? Or Little Mouse? Who should I be today?  Daddy Bear? Or Poppa Mouse?” After breakfast, take 2-5 minutes to do some yoga and stretching together. Praise your young child’s participation using their pretend character. These moments of mindfulness will help you refuel and can set the tone for a calm start of your schedule. We recommend this guided yoga activity for kids on Spotify: Kira Willey – Dance for the Sun.
  

• Set Goals for the Day
  After breakfast, talk about what each person in the family hopes to get done today. You can include something for school/work and something fun – connecting with a friend, finishing a puzzle, reaching a certain level on a video game, etc. Write down the goals and see what got done at the end of the day. If all the goals weren’t met, discuss what will help kids meet their goals tomorrow.
  

• Make Challenging Routines More Enjoyable
  If waking up is tough, make it more enjoyable by smiling and cuddling for a few minutes. While getting dressed or preparing breakfast, you might try incorporating a song that suits your child’s morning energy – it could be rousing or soothing. If brushing teeth is always a battle, try to make a game out of it.
  

• Schedule in Connection & Fun
  We recommend spending 20 minutes of one-on-one time with kids every day to strengthen connection and decrease misbehavior. Some of children’s misbehaviors are bids for attention. If you fill your child’s “attention bank,” he will be less likely to beg for your attention later – and you will have an easier time sending him off to play alone while you get your work done. If you can’t do it every day, schedule one-on-one time whenever possible.
  
  In addition to family playtime, ask kids who they would like to play with or talk to this week. Then schedule virtual playdates and calls with relatives. Kids can play games like “Battleship” and “Guess Who” virtually if both parties have the game! Take advantage of the time that kids are entertained by someone else to get some of your own work done.
  
  Try to schedule connection and fun after chores and schoolwork as incentive to get those more challenging tasks done.
  

• Encourage Independence
  Once kids understand how to do a routine with your guidance, they can master it and do more of it on their own. Lavish praise for what you liked. “I like that you put your socks on yourself!” Encouraging independence will take some pressure and responsibility off of you.
  

• Anticipate Emotional Meltdowns
  Right now, many people are experiencing anxiety about the future as well as grief about all the things that will no longer happen this year. Your kids are no exception. Check in with them to ask how they feel about everything that’s happening right now and don’t be surprised if they burst into tears when you least expect it. Turn toward your kids’ emotional displays. Hold them, look them in the eyes, and listen to what they have to say. These meltdowns may come at inconvenient times, but do your best to respond with gentleness and compassion.
• Schedule Self-Care
  You have a lot on your plate and it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself when worrying about your kids’ needs and your work to-do list. But if you’re caring for yourself, you’ll have more patience and energy for your work and family. Don’t feel guilty about scheduling a little me-time into your weeks – it will end up benefiting the whole family.

Remember, this is new territory for everyone. If you’re a month into isolation, you’re likely just beginning to establish a new “normal.” Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your family to have it all figured out. Take it day by day and expect there to be some difficult times.

You are usually so good at monitoring your child’s screen time. Maybe you practice Tech-Free Tuesday, or you limit video games to an hour, or you keep phones out of the bedrooms. But ever since the Coronavirus pandemic hit, you’re feeling like you’re losing the screen time battle.

Kids are now home from school, but still “going to school” online. That means they’re spending more time than usual in front of screens. On top of school, kids can only socialize virtually. And with the added free time, they are likely playing more video games and aimlessly scrolling through social media more than usual.

As a parent, you may be concerned about the effects of all this screen time on your kids. Take a deep breath. We’re here to help you create new screen time rules to get you through the COVID-19 pandemic.

1. Think Screen Usage, Not Screen Time
   For a long time, we’ve been talking about the effects of screen time on our kids. But the reality is that not all screen time is equal. Time spent doing schoolwork online or connecting with family virtually is more valuable than time spent watching certain TV shows or playing certain video games.
   
   Brainstorm all your family’s screen uses – consider including your partner or other adults involved in parenting. Make a big list. Then, take a look at the list and choose the things you think are necessary and/or valuable – like school, work, and FaceTiming grandparents. These things do not need to be limited, though you may decide they only happen at certain times of the day. Identify uses that you do want to limit as well – like social media or television.
2. Invite Kids into the Conversation
   Hold a family meeting and bring your list of screen uses. Assure kids that your main priority right now it to keep your family mentally and physically healthy. Let them know that you think it’s important for everyone to get outside, exercise, and do other activities without screens every day. Tell them that you understand the importance of connecting with friends and family virtually, and that you want to work together to come up with a plan to manage screen usage. Share your list and ask if you’ve missed anything. Then, ask which activities they want to be allowed to use their devices for regularly and how much time they want for these activities.
   
   After hearing everyone’s opinions, make a plan together. Write out a weekly schedule if your family doesn’t already have one. Include school, work, family meals, exercise and play. Then identify times in the day when family members have free time to use their devices in any way they choose. Try to agree on this plan together. If you can’t come to an agreement, parents get to decide. Try your plan for a week and then reevaluate.
3. Refrain from Criticism
   Try to stay positive and curious. By asking about games and apps kids use, you will learn more about their interests and they will feel understood by you.
   
   Refrain from criticizing your family members’ screen uses. Do your best to avoid language like, “I hate that game you play,” “Those videos you watch on TikTok are all stupid,” and “We didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid and I turned out fine – you’re lucky I let you use one at all.” Even if you’re thinking those things, try not to say them. Those comments probably won’t increase cooperation or connection.
4. Think about Video Games Differently
   Many parents get into arguments with their kids when asking them to turn off video games. Kids don’t want to stop playing because they’re in the middle of something. But parents want their kids to transition to the next task.
   
   Rather than putting a time limit on video games, consider asking your child what their goal is for the day. Explain that they are allowed to meet that goal and then they have to stop playing until tomorrow. It’s also a good idea to ask kids to explain how to play the game, what they like about it and what’s challenging. If you don’t know much about video games, let your child teach you something. This will strengthen your relationship and you’ll be able to tell when your child has reached their goal. Praise kids for stopping when they said they would.
   
   You may want to think about when you are allowing kids to play video games as well. If they’re playing right before dinner, you may be yelling and nagging to get them off the game and over to the table. And if they get to play right before doing chores, it may be nearly impossible to get them to transition. Try to schedule gaming time after a less enjoyable task, like doing chores. And if you move into asking kids to set goals for their game time, you’ll have to be flexible with the start time of the next activity.
5. Allow for Exceptions to the Rules
   Maybe you don’t want your kids watching TV for hours on end, but you have an important meeting today and it seems like the only way to keep kids from disrupting your work. We’re in the middle of a pandemic and you probably can’t ask a babysitter to come over. Let the kids watch a little extra TV if it’s the only way to get your work done.
   
   Maybe your kids usually have limited video game time, but it’s now the only way for them to talk to their friends. There is value in socializing and working together to accomplish a goal virtually. More video game time than usual is okay right now. When life gets back to normal, remind kids of the importance of socializing in person.
   
   Be gentle and realistic with yourself and your family. This is new territory for everyone, and tensions are already high without added arguments about screens. You may not like how often your kids are on screens – remember that this will not last forever. You can remind kids of that too. You’re allowing them to use their devices more than usual, but the old rules will be back when we’re out of quarantine.

We hope these ideas lead to connection, health, and peace in your home. For more tips about managing screen time, watch our online class Rethink Screen Time: Navigating the New Normal.

Set aside enough time for sleep.
When you create your quarantine routine, be sure to schedule enough time for sleep. Then spend that time in bed. Here are sleep recommendations by age group.

3 – 5 years old: 10 – 13 hours
5 – 12 years old: 9 – 12 hours
Tweens and Teens: 8 – 10 hours
Adults: 7 – 9 hours

Create a regular, relaxing bedtime routine.
This could mean soaking in a hot bath or listening to soothing music. Begin an hour or more before the time you want to fall asleep

Create a sleep-conducive environment.
Try to make the environment: dark, quiet, comfortable and cool

Sleep on a comfortable mattress and pillows.
When it’s time for a new mattress, it is worth the investment. A restful night’s sleep will lead to happier, more cooperative family members.

Keep sleep stealers out of the bedroom.
Bedrooms should only be used for sleep (and sex, for adults). Try to keep phones and electronics out of bedrooms. Avoid watching TV, using a computer, or even reading in bed.

Don’t eat before bed.
Try to finish eating at least 2-3 hours before your regular bedtime.

Avoid caffeine and alcohol close to bedtime.
The 2-3 hour rule applies to food, as well as caffeine and alcohol.

Exercise regularly.
Exercise is important right now for a variety of reasons – one of which is that it will help you and your family sleep better.

Become your child’s sleep coach.
We also recommend reading Dr. Schneeberg’s book: Become Your Child’s Sleep Coach: The Sleep Doctor’s 5-Step Guide, Ages 3-10.

We’ve been offered much advice on how to improve our immunity, manage the stress and uncertainty, and come out of this stronger. Setting goals and intentions for our behavior is useful, but holding ourselves to an impossible standard, or being harshly self-critical when we don’t meet that standard, only fuels guilt, shame, and more stress. Instead, we can practice being aware of our coping strategies and remain self-compassionate when we fall short of the ideal. If we can stay out of judgment of ourselves (and others) and remain curious about our behavior, we have a better shot at noticing and changing the behaviors that are not serving us.

At our core, we don’t feel safe right now. There is real threat and there is perceived threat, and the uncertainty of it all adds to that fear and anxiety. The lack of safety keeps us in a state of high alert and reactivity which is not conducive to good decision making. As many experts will tell you, it is important to sleep well, eat well, exercise, and keep some semblance of normalcy. These are great intentions. But, let’s not add insult to injury by expecting that we can or will do that perfectly. We are all suffering and we are all doing our best.

Our relationships may be suffering. Ideally, we would remain empathic, understanding, and co-regulate our children and each other. However, holding ourselves to this standard does not allow for the normal range of human emotion. It leaves no room for the unavoidable triggers and conditions that may take us to the brink. Feelings of loss, grief, fear and overwhelm can leave us short-fused or shut down. When we have a disruption such as a blowup or harsh exchange, we can repair. We repair when we’ve gotten ourselves in a better state, recognizing our reactivity, and re-engage, perhaps sharing what we were thinking or feeling in that moment. We can convey to another that we see and understand their internal experience, even, and especially, when it’s different from our own. Repairing in this way teaches those close to us that we are all human, we don’t have to be perfect, and we can mess up and make it better.

It is more important than ever to find compassion, not just for others, but for ourselves. The research on self-compassion is clear; Practicing self-compassion reduces fear and reactivity. It makes us more likely to persevere when we’ve “fallen off the wagon” whether that be by eating poorly, staying on screens too long, drinking too much or any other behavior that feels good in the moment but can make our mood, or health, worse. Self-compassion gives us permission to have bad moments, bad days, or a bad week and still regain our ground and begin again. Reacting harshly by berating ourselves for not meeting high expectations, only increases the likelihood that we will give up, or engage in more self-destructive behavior.

The good news is we can recognize our suffering and respond to it, with practice. When we notice our reactivity or our impulse to have a drink, reach for the sweets, or snap at our partner or child, we can pause, sit with the discomfort, and bring a soothing response to ourselves the way a good friend might. Try sitting with the sensations in the body and simply noticing them. Often, taking this pause is enough for the discomfort to dissipate. We can also tune in to the thoughts swirling around, which may be anxious or negative, driving our behavior. Notice them as you would a curious observer, without giving them too much power or truth. Consider what you might say to a friend who was suffering in this way. Try offering yourself the same kind words or encouragement.

We can recognize our humanity and our shortcomings with a willingness to see it all, be with it all, and begin again, without condemning or berating. These are important skills in this time of high anxiety but also life skills that we can model for our children and for each other. Let’s stay curious, stay out of judgment, and let love and compassion lead our way through this, together.

Susan Averna, PhD
Developmental Psychologist and Consultant.