“It is vital that when educating our children’s brains that we do not forget to educate their hearts.”
– Dalai Lama

Research suggests that people with strong emotional intelligence are more likely to succeed than those with high IQs or even relevant experience in the world of work. Emotional intelligence is also the key to positive and satisfying relationships. And kids with higher emotional intelligence tend to cooperate more. So how can we help our children get stronger in the area of emotions?

One simple definition of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to:

• Understand your own emotions
• Manage your own emotions
• Understand others’ emotions
• Take perspective on others’ emotions

All that might sound simple but many children and sometimes  parents struggle to recognize and acknowledge what they are feeling, manage how and when they will show those feelings, recognize the emotions of others and decide how to respond to others’ emotions.

Unfortunately many parents focus more on cognitive intelligence (IQ) than emotional intelligence (EQ). In fact while IQ has increased 20 points since it was first measured, EQ seems to have gone down.  We are seeing an epidemic of depression and anxiety with more behavior problems and aggression in families and schools. And while IQ tends to be more rooted in genetics, EQ is more teachable.

So how can you teach EQ to your child? Here are some initial steps you can start taking today:

1. Enjoy frequent open ended conversations with your child in which you invite him to express his point of view. Refrain from trying to make kids see things from your perspective. Be curious about their opinions with regard to every day events and big issues as well. Ask open ended questions that help you understand why your child sees the issue in this way.

2. Make a habit of noticing what you are feeling. If you aren’t great at naming your emotions, start by noticing what is going on in your body – big and small sensations. Shoulders tense? Heart pounding? Pressure in your chest? Emotions start in the body – try to name them. Find at least one person with whom you feel safe talking about your emotions and/or start journaling on a regular basis to reflect on what you are feeling and why.

3. Notice your child’s emotions. Use the most important tool of teaching EQ – reflective listening. Observe your child and if they seem to be feeling something either positive or negative, be a mirror for them. Tentatively say something like:

“Looks like you are worried about your quiz tomorrow.”

“You sound pretty excited right now.”

“Seems like you are feeling angry with your friend right now.”

If you don’t know a lot of feelings words, you will have to gain some vocabulary. And don’t worry about getting the feeling word right – your kids will correct you if you are wrong. Accept whatever they tell you they are feeling.

Reflective listening is a gift. It gives the child the message that feelings are normal, I am here with you and want to hear more. Kids tend not to love a lot of questions and this is a respectful, gentle invitation to communicate. Your child may accept it or not.  If you offer reflective listening on a regular basis, your child is likely to open up to you a bit more and become more aware of their own emotions. This is a positive step toward increased EQ and will bring you and your child closer at the same time.

Ruth Ettenberg Freeman, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Storrs, Connecticut. She has taught parenting education across the state for over thirty years. Ruth is the co-founder of the Connecticut Parenting Education Network and lead author of a University of Connecticut curriculum called “Building Family Futures.” You can learn more about Emotional Intelligence and other topics by joining one of Ruth’s live online parenting classes at PeaceAtHomeParenting.com or catch her on Facebook at “Peace At Home Parenting.” While Ruth has studied parenting for many decades, she has learned the most from her much loved biological daughter, stepson and foster son, all of whom gave her the inspiring gift of amazing grandchildren.

You might be wondering if there is anything you can do now to get ready for the big change.

Yes – even if your child is a toddler or a tween (adolescence goes from 12 – 24 these days) – here are 3 actions steps to start today:

1. Know yourself

Adolescents can be a magnet for your own unresolved childhood issues. One of my heroes, Dan Siegel, MD says,  “When it comes to how our children will be attached to us, having difficult experiences early in life is less important than whether we’ve found a way to make sense of how those experiences have affected us.” By “making sense” he means being able to tell a cohesive story of your childhood from beginning to end and understanding how your childhood influenced who you are today – both the good and the not so good. This may seem theoretical but consider some ways your adolescent might trigger childhood issues –

• Maybe your child tends to be a loner and likes to be with just one or two friends at a time. Maybe you felt unpopular in school. Maybe you end up pushing your child to pursue more relationships and attend more social events because you are projecting on to them how you felt left out as a teen. Maybe your teen starts to doubt himself because you are pushing him to stop listening to his own inner guidance.
• Maybe you didn’t achieve what you wanted to achieve in your career. Maybe your child’s aspirations don’t fulfill your dreams you thought your child would fulfill so you could feel better about your own outcomes. Maybe that pushing causes your child to doubt herself.
• Maybe your parents didn’t give you the love and closeness you longed for as a child. Maybe your adolescent has felt like a best friend and now her brain is telling her to seek closeness and comfort from her friends instead of you. Maybe you hassle your child about this and she starts to feel guilty instead of confident.

2. Start a practice of self-care or continue the one you have – and stick to it

The adolescent brain’s emotional center is running the show more than ever – in fact, more than at any other time in human development. They learn about who they are by deciding they are different from you. They might thrive on debate – sometimes about things near and dear to your heart like your faith or your most deeply held values. Their brains are often activated and since you have mirror neurons, your brain will likely be more activated now than it has been in a long time. You may experience more stress and more fatigue than ever before. How can you think about taking care of yourself – taking a walk, getting a good night’s sleep – when your kid is telling you that you’re the worst parent on the planet? Self-care is essential to keep you calm and focused, which is what your child need more than anything right now. He needs your adult self. Trust me – you want to be on your best game. You will need adequate sleep, regular exercise, healthy food, nourishing down time and maybe some meditation, yoga or other mindful practice. If you don’t practice self-care, start now. Even a little bit at a time. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Pace yourself and care for yourself so you can genuinely support your teen in the way he needs so you will still be connected at the end of the ride.

3. Gather your tribe

Remember that part about the adolescent’s brain telling her to seek security, soothing and connection from peers instead of parents? This may be a source of loss for you. Most of us were our child’s anchor, the center of her world. Now she is turning away toward others. No need to pretend this isn’t a loss or at least a major transition.

You will also be encountering behaviors that surprise you, confuse you or maybe even offend you. You’ll need people to talk to about all this. Before your child hits his teens, it will help a lot if you have a circle of friends, family, a trusted faith community or whatever “tribe” means to you – it can be just one or two really trusted pals – whoever it is, you will need them. If you have a partner, yes that person will become more important. But you will likely need a little more support than that to navigate these new waters and move through the feelings of loss, confusion and frustration that are likely to arise from time to time. If you have had a strong, positive relationship your child, he will come back to you. But during these teen years his focus is elsewhere and you’ll need some “besties” to buoy you up during the rough times.